For the Meatloaf:

• 2 lbs ground beef (the 85/15 kind works best – too lean and it gets dry, too fatty and it’s a greasy mess)
• 1/2 lb ground pork (trust me on this one – the pork keeps everything juicy)
• 1 cup breadcrumbs (panko or regular, whatever’s in your pantry)
• 2 eggs (the glue that holds our masterpiece together)
• 1 onion, diced small (nobody wants to bite into huge chunks of onion)
• 3 garlic cloves, minced (or more if you’re like me and measure garlic with your heart)
• 4 jalapeños (leave some seeds in if you like it hot, or take ’em all out if you’re a wimp)
• 8 oz cream cheese (full fat, because we’re not here to diet)
• 1 cup shredded cheddar (the sharper the better!)
• Handful of chopped cilantro (skip if you’re one of those “cilantro tastes like soap” people)
• 2 tsp smoked paprika (regular paprika just isn’t the same, sorry)
• Splash of Worcestershire sauce (about a tablespoon)
• Liquid smoke (optional, but gives amazing depth)
• Pinch of cumin (adds that earthy, warm vibe)
• Salt and pepper (duh)
• 6–8 slices bacon (the thicker the better)

For the Glaze:

• 1/4 cup ketchup (the base of any good meatloaf topping)
• 2 tbsp brown sugar (for that sweet-savory thing)
• Splash of apple cider vinegar (cuts through the richness)
• More smoked paprika and garlic powder (because why not?)

For the Ranch Sauce:

1. 1/2 cup sour cream (full fat is best)
2. 1/4 cup mayo (the real stuff, not that light garbage)
3. Splash of buttermilk (makes it pourable)
4. Fresh herbs if you’ve got ’em (dill, parsley, chives)
5. Some dried herbs if you don’t (dried dill, etc.)
6. Garlic powder, onion powder (the lazy way to add flavor)
7. Salt, pepper, lemon juice (brightens the whole thing up)